PUSHPA I HATE TEARS RE | WASTED TIME DIARIES #3

Anand: Pushpa I hate tears re…

Pushpa: See, this is the problem. You do not give a flying fuck about my tears, this has again become something about you. YOU hate tears and that is why I shouldn’t be crying. Your emotions! Your hatred of something which is mine.
And, why do you hate tears anyway? The propagation that one should be happy everytime is exactly what is killing me. I want to be sad when I want to be sad. Was it not enough that the world has taken away the freedom and the means to be happy, now I also have to give up the freedom to express my sadness. Fuck you and your hatred of tears! Maybe if you accept your sadness and actually cry for once, you wouldn’t be such an emotional wreck every moment of your life.

Anand: Why are you attacking me!? I just came here to help you.

Pushpa: You lie to yourself. You came here to help yourself because apparently, the highly intellectual Mr. Anand cannot deal with sadness. His own and the sadness of the ones he loves. All his intellectuality is bullshit, a fucking coping mechanism because he cannot deal with his emotions.
If Mr. Anand would just let me be sad for some time, I will feel better. If Mr. Anand would just let himself be sad for some time, he will feel better.

Anand: Do you think I don’t want to be sad!
It’s not my fault that I cannot be sad. I have been raised in an environment where I was repeatedly micro-dosed with male masculinity. Most of them were toxic. I want to cry but my inner-self judges me every time I try to do so. I cannot fight with it any longer. Therefore, I have made a system where I disperse sadness as soon as I come in contact with it.

Pushpa: Exactly! Dispersing sadness works for you, it doesn’t work for me. Stop trying to force your beliefs on me.

Anand: I wasn’t forcing it, I was merely trying to make you feel better.

Pushpa: And now we both are sad, see how flawed your ways are.

Anand: What do you want me to do? Go cry in a corner!? Would it give you some sense of satisfaction?

Pushpa: It would give YOU some satisfaction.

Anand: I cannot kill years of wrong conditioning in a flash. In the exact moment that you are sad, I cannot act all sensible because I feel sad seeing you sad.

Pushpa: So, me being sad makes you sad.

Anand: Yes, in a way.

Pushpa: So, I should constantly act happy so that you are happy.

Anand: I did not say that. And no, don’t fake happiness for anyone.

Pushpa: Then why do YOU do it?

Anand: I don’t know how to change myself.

Pushpa: Why are you crying?

Anand: No, I am not.

Pushpa: You are still doing it.

Anand: Doing what?

Pushpa: That thing from before.

Anand: What thing from before? Making this about me?

Pushpa: That’s not what I meant but also yes.

Anand: You made this about me. I was trying to make you feel better.

Pushpa: I did not do anything. I was crying, remember?

Anand: I don’t know for what but I am sorry.

Pushpa: Hmmm. Sorry is of no use.

Anand: Why were you crying?

Pushpa: It doesn’t matter now.

Anand: At least please tell me.

Pushpa: I don’t feel like it.

Anand: Okay.

Pushpa: Okay.



Anand: Just tell me, why were you crying?

Pushpa: Can’t you just let me be?

Anand: Okay.

Anand: You remember, when I told you that I will ensure your happiness? It is not as easy as I thought it to be. Love on some days is difficult.
Pushpa: Again with your assessment of love. Just let me be.

Anand: Okay.
Pushpa: Okay


 

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